Before I can really guide you in to my crazy life of toddlers, tantrums, potty training and play dates I need to take you back to the start. Well, not quite the start because let’s face it you don’t really care where I did my first pregnancy test! (Work toilets on my morning tea break for those who do lol!)

I need to take you back to my pregnancy, I had made it! 9 months preggerz, 40 weeks of constant sick, tablets, low blood pressure filled hell! I was fat and fed up! Happy due to me as I happily went to my first sweep appointment – agony, embarrassing and kind of messy! Also pointless as 6 days later I was back for another. Between my first and second sweep I gave up and just admitted to myself I would be pregnant with this child forever and decided to drown my sorrows in McDonald’s chicken nugget meals… seen as alcohol wasn’t allowed that was the next best thing!

Day 6, second sweep and success! Hurray!! I left that appointment with aches and some bleeding, I didn’t get my hopes up as this happened with my first one but 2 hours later I felt it! My first proper contraction. Obviously in my emotional, overdue, chicken nugget fuelled hormonal state I passed it off and said nope it’s not labour! A couple more hours passed and my mum dragged me to the maternity ward to be checked and I was told I was indeed in labour and to come back soon. So naturally the first thing I did was go to Tesco for food… eating a pasta bake while contracting is quite a funny memory.

So a few more hours passed .. and then some more.. and then some more! I tried to get a little nap in because everything on google told me that was the right thing to do, well rolling around your bed in agony every few minutes with the theme tune to Hawaii Five-0 on what felt like repeat downstairs while my boyfriend calmly awaited what was coming next, just made it near on impossible so I gave up! I admitted defeat and woke my mum up and off we went.

Did you know you don’t just turn up to a hospital and get rushed off in to a room to deliver your baby like every film and tv programme had ever suggested? Nope! They stick you in some kind of observation room, I’m in labour! I’m contracting and I’m in pain… how much more proof do you need? A head coming out of me while on arrival? Well I laid down, ready for her to come to the conclusion that I was indeed in the process of evicting my child from my uterus, when she said to me oh that’s 3 in less than 10 minutes so let’s walk round.. what she failed to tell me was we would walk around THREE TIMES looking for an empty room! Finally I was put in a room and shoved some gas and air. Brilliant stuff! Well when you’re partner and mum aren’t trying to steal it from you lol.

Something like 10 hours, 1 pethdine shot and some dramatic throwing up later they finally decided this baby wasn’t coming on it’s own, they popped my waters which exploded all over my poor midwife, myself and the bed! 2 hours later I pushed for the first time, has anyone heard of the ring of fire? Well, it kind of feels like someone’s sitting there with a lighter to your forever stretching lady area! Lovely right? 3 pushes later he was out!

I had done it! I had survived 41 weeks of pregnancy and 23 hours of labour and now I just had to survive the next 18 years!

Little did I know that in a year and a half I’d be back doing the exact same thing all over again, regreating it almost instantly the second I felt the ring of fire.